I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
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If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.