You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
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If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
whatcha thinkin bout
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort