Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
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If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination