Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
How about daylight saves us for once
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?