Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
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I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.