Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
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I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.