Who did this…? 💫⚡️
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Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I was up all night reading about insomnia
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”