anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
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Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
The news is so predictable nowadays
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?