I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
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Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My blood type is coffee.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning