When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
You Might Also Like
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Probably my best painting.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.