I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
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cats when you pet them too long:
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I already tried new things thanks.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?