All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
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girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Great Canadian literature.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Sorry not sorry.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?