[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
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I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Not all heroes wear capes….
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW