I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
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Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I know
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Still cracks me up
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Chemical wingman
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over