Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
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7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.