Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
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I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Put a ring on it
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…