11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
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watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.