[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
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H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos