Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
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[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
This could be us but you eatin’
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND