February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
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Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.