Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
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Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
When I laugh on my period
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
RT if you could go either way.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.