Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
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[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.