Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
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This took me a few seconds.. 😅
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*