I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
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Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?