A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
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My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My dating profile:
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.