Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
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Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
One of the best
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.