It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
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Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Nomnomnomnom
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby