everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
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Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.