Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
You Might Also Like
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there