The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
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shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!