If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
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[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.