peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
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Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
What
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair