*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
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supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.