“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
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The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
lmao
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one