I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
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I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press