No one told me my life would become so much googling it
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I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
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