30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
You Might Also Like
Well, shit
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan