[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
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[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
She was rare, like a goth jogging
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
this post was so formative to me
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.