ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
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If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Baller is short for ballerina
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
called in thicc to work this morning
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested