Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
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Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
sin harder.