[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
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Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I am also baked goods
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.