HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
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I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.