If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
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Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”