I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
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*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Stop it! 😂
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.