Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
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Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….