Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
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Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.