There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
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7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
What a chick magnet..
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath