some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
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Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
WTF
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?