As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
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*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you