HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
You Might Also Like
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.